A Hobbit in the Dwarfen City of Bankfurt

Friday 19/11/2004

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Diary and Notes

I have realised a truth about the British people, that was discovered some time ago by one of our country's more famous and well loved authors - we, are a nation of Hobbits. When good old Tolkien set out to write the Lord of the Rings he was intending to create a mythology for the British people, similar to the Nordic Sagas and the heroic Teutonic myths. What he actually did was describe, in very accurate terms, the British people. We, are a nation of hobbits and I am the most hobbity of us all.

Hobbits don't much like travelling, they would much rather stay at home in front of a roaring fire, drinking beer and talking about what's for breakfast tomorrow. Only a hobbit would make Sunday dinner and going to the pub the very pinnacle of their culture and I am proud that we have. Hobbits don't worry about Elfen things such as science and magic and unlike the dwarfs, the true hobbit wishes for no more gold than enough to own his own burrow (in a nicer part of the Shire, away from the rough young hobbits and their drunken singing), to raise little hobbitlings and to have a giant nosh up every evening, before a pint of foaming ale and a pipe at the Green Dragon. Sing hurrah for the hobbits and for second breakfasts too!

Unfortunately, this poor hobbit had to leave his lodgings in the elfen city of Göttingen (where much magic is practised) to travel to the dwarfen city of Bankfurt, far in the West. Here, a central comittee of dwarfs administer all the gold for the lands of Middle Earth and have built a wonderous city of giant cathedrals to show their love of this precious metal. In the city of Bankfurt, all the races of Middle Earth have their representatives and luckily for hobbits, almost everyone can speak the language of the Shire. But do dwarfs eat the spicy food of the Oliphaunt riders on a Friday evening and can this hobbit perform this essential ritual, here amongst the peoples of the South? Of course he can.

It is well known that the average hobbit can smell spicy food from across seven hills. This particular hobbit, (a very large nosed one) can, if the wind is good, smell a bubbling curry from the next county and had no trouble locating somewhere suitable to eat, even at 10.00 at night and having just arrived in a strange city, where the people are not disposed to such spicy things.

So, with his hobbit friend Fran, who had come all the way from the hobbit city of Manchester to meet him, a feast of spicy food was had and the special Friday night ritual was fulfilled. Also, being a clever hobbit and knowing that the dwarfs of Bankfurt don't like spicy food, the hobbits ordered the hottest thing on the menu, hoping above hope that it would hit the mark. It was spicy, but would not have raise a sweat in the eating halls of the Shire after the pubs had closed.

Did you, as all good hobbits should, have a spicy feast today? Sing hurrah for the men of the East and their spicy food too!

Cake Blog

A sad piece of strange apple dough cake at the station, not up to hobbit standards at all. I only ordered it because the label said it was called schweineöhren (pigs ear), but was told that the label was wrong and it wasn't a pig's ear cake at all. It was like a dry piece of lardy cake with a hint of apple and cinnamon. Hobbits shouldn't buy cakes at train stations!


  • Lamb Vindaloo, (quite a runny sauce, some potato and only a few pieces of lamb).
  • Chicken Pakora,
  • Pilau Rice,
  • Onion Kulcha. (Spicy onion flatbread)

    One final thing, the spelling of dwarfen, elfen, elfs and dwarfs is from the original Tolkien version of Lord of the Rings, so please don't send me emails saying I can't spell.