Vile, Untrustworthy Nigerians!

Monday 6/12/2004

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Diary and Notes

I haven't had a rant for a while, what with me being so full of love for all mankind. So, for the delight of my three readers, I have picked a country at random from the list of member states of the United Nations using the random number generator on MATLAB in order to be mean to a group of people with which I probably have no particular beef at all. I was hoping for either Finland or Switzerland, these being my two favourite groups to have a go at, unfortunately for me however (and for the chosen country) the random number generator (using ceil(rand*191)) came up with Nigeria (number 124) and they are my chosen people of disdain for today.

Now I have to confess that apart from knowing that Jay-Jay Okocha comes from Nigeria and plays for Bolton, I don't actually know enough about Nigeria to have a proper go. I have met a few people from Nigeria and every one of them seemed very friendly and likeable. One in particular, was a very cute young woman who I shared a house with in Bristol. She was worried that her bum wasn't big enough and drank gallons of weight gain supplement in the hopes of getting that luscious booty that it seems Nigerian men are fond of. Apart from this I know very little. I am pretty sure that it's located in Africa and the capital city is Kinshasa. (I just checked and it isn't, that's the capital of the Democratic Republic of Congo. The actual capital of Nigeria is Abuja, that shows how much I know) but I am absolutely sure that Nigeria (boooo!) has less geese per head of population than France.

"Less geese per head of population than France. This is a disgrace and I intend to pen a letter to Jill Duplex of The Times expressing my disgust."

What is wrong with these people. I tried finding a reference for Nigerian geese on the internet and came up with nothing, nada, zilch. The nearest thing they had were Nigerian dwarf goats and that just isn't the same thing. How can these people live such depraved lives? Have they no shame? It is one thing being famous for a population of a diminutive, hollow-horned, bearded ruminants of the genus Capra, but not having geese is a crime. I assume that instead of having a nice smoked goose breast for dinner (as I did), that they eat dirt or each other. That's it, they are obviously a bunch of dirt eating cannibals. Stay away from these evil people, burn down their embassies and hang their UN representatives from a gallows in Times Square. That'll show 'em!

A word or two about dinner. This was fantastic. It is a shame the Nigerians don't have enough geese to make this their national dish (nor enough calvados I suppose). I bought a piece of smoked goose breast from Extrawurst (they have no web site) which was probably well outside my budget (I have been spending money like Ivana Trump on her birthday). The goose fond I also bought, having no spare goose to make it with. If you can't get goose fond use chicken stock, I imagine it would be just as tasty. I think that the goose fond will be the last of your worries however, as I doubt you can even buy a smoked goose breast where you live. Sorry, you'll just have to drool in jealousy. Unless of course Jill has her own goose farm and smokery. Send her a letter asking her to post you some goose breast, I bet she'll oblige.

And if you were wondering, Man City lost 3-2.

Bloody Nigerians!

Cake Blog

What this was called I can't remember. It looked a bit like a giant, dark chocolate, walnut whip (without the walnut) and was actually a sort of chocolate truffle mountain. Very tasty indeed.


  • Smoked Goose Breast with Calvados Cream Sauce,
  • Potato and Gouda Bake,
  • Mushrooms.

  • Rote Grütze and Vanilla Sauce.


  • Goose: Smoked Goose Breast, Olive Oil, Goose Fond, White Wine, Calvados, Black Pepper, Creme Fraiche, Salt.
  • Potatoes: Potatoes, Tomatoes, Spiced Olive Oil, Gouda Cheese, Black Pepper, Salt.
  • Paris Mushrooms, Chanterelle Mushrooms, Leeks, Goose Fond, Butter.


  • Goose: Sear the goose breast in some olive oil, skin side first. When it's nicely browned on both sides, add a dash of white wine and reduce. When the wine has reduced add some goose fond, put the lid on the pan and let the goose cook in the juices for a few minutes. When the goose is ready, place somewhere warm and make the sauce. Pour some calvados into the pan and set the pan alight. Allow to burn for about 30 seconds then blow out the flames, stir in some creme fraiche, a little pepper and salt. Slice the goose breast quite thickly and arrange in some fancy design on your plates. Serve with some sauce.
  • Potatoes: Peel, wash and slice some potatoes into rounds about 2mm thick. Boil in a little salt water until soft but not breaking apart. Drain. Into an overnproof dish layer first potatoes, then some sliced tomatoes, then grated Gouda cheese, a drizzle of spiced oil and some freshly grated black pepper. Make about three layers of each, place in an oven and bake until the potatoes are crispy on top.
  • Mushrooms: Thinly slice a few leeks and simmer in a little goose fond until soft. Add sliced mushrooms (Paris and Chanterelles) a little butter and cook slowly until soft. Drain any liquid off before serving.