Oh Those Russians!

Wednesday 12/1/2005

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Diary and Notes

Some time ago, you may remember, I upset Don dadi Croccanti, head of the Agrigento Mafia, with my recipe for puttanesca sauce (and inadvertantly calling his grandmother a whore). In his anger he took out a contract out on me and I've been in hiding ever since (this is the real reason I am back in England).

So far there have been a few attempts on my life, but mostly by amateurs. These weak and pitiful individuals have been no trouble to deal with and as we have a nice quayside here, disposing of their bodies has not been too tricky. The attempts to have me bumped off have ranged from the old cheesewire from behind trick (I am trained to deal with such attacks by grabbing and ripping off their balls with my bare hands) and stabbing me with stilletto knives (I have a bulletproof shirt on at all times and carry a gun), yesterday's attempt was a little more sophisticated however and involed that age old assassin's trick of luring the victim into bed with a sexy Russian double agent. Yippee!

This is my favourite form of assassination attempt, though can often be tricky to deal with as I never like to kill a sexy woman. The method of murder is always the same: Exhaustion. The KGB trained operatives have years of special instruction in how to kill a man slowly, by forcing him to have hour and hours of exceedingly pleasurable fun, whilst managing to remain alive themselves. Hah! They didn't count on me and my special energy boosting carbonara recipe.

Yes folks, this is how to deal with those sneaky Russians. A long chain carbohydrate rich super meal, easy and quick to prepare, but packed with enough juice to keep you going all night. Make sure you give some to your Russian friend as well - if you are eating garlic, you want to make sure you've both had some or things wont go so well, plus you don't want her flaking out through exhaustion. This simple dinner should give you both enough energy to keep going until morning without dying of over-jiggling sickness. If you manage to remain alive until morning, the Russian assassin will be so impressed with your skills, she'll make you bacon and eggs (you have some in because you bought them for the carbonara remember) and then wander around your flat wearing nothing but one of your shirts, showing off her long slim legs and sighing gently all day.

It's hell being a secret agent you know.

Cake Blog

An iced Chelsea bun from the university shop. There is a lesson to be learned here: Don't buy cakes from the university shop. I believe you understand what I'm trying to say here.


  • Spaghetti alla Carbonara
  • Crusty White Bread and Butter


  • Carbonara Sauce: Fennel Seeds, Onions, Bacon, Olive Oil, Garlic, Mushrooms, Egg Yolk, Single Cream, Black Pepper, Oregano, Parmesan Cheese


  • Put some olive oil in a pan and warm some fennel seeds in the oil (about 5 per person should be enough). Next, finely chop the onions and bacon, mince the garlic. Gently fry these in the fennel oil until the onion is soft, but don't burn the garlic or let the bacon go crispy. Add some sliced mushrooms and fry a little longer. Stir in a dash of single cream, an egg yolk per person, a little oregano, lots of black pepper and mix. Stir in the spaghetti and serve with freshly grated parmesan cheese and some crusty white bread and butter. A glass of chilled Frascati is good with this.