"Eh Jaques, there's some sale anglais outside ordering calves' liver."

"Give eem the pigs liver instead, e' wont notice the difference." Jaques carried on smoking his Gitanes. "And throw some of that stale mayonnaise on top - tell 'im it's the speciality de la maison, they all go for that crap."

"And 'e wants a bottle of wine... what's the plan when ze English order wine."

"Get on an old bottle from the bin and pour in any left overs you can find - and use ze ashtrays too, zey always 'ave some spilt wine in. If there is some ash don't worry - tell eem it's crystals and is au naturel. 'Ee wont say anything, then 'eel go 'ome and write some crap book about 'ow French food is great and 'ow we all cycle around like Jaques Tatti wiz our knees around our ears and wiz berets on and onions, but we are all salt of ze earth and 'ave more culture and all like Berlioz and John Coltrane. Zee stupid prats. And don't forget to give 'im a bottle of ketchup too, and be rude, zey always give big tips when you are rude."

"But I prefer Michael Jackson, I 'ate classical music and le jazz hot."

"So do we all Jean, so do we all."